“What If” and “If Only”: Two Thoughts Patterns that lead Nowhere Good
There are two thoughts that pop into our heads frequently and automatically. They are the question “What If…?” and the clause “If only.” In this post, I will examine the impact of having these recurrent ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) infesting our heads. One important point to keep in mind before we address the specifics of these thought patterns–and how they impact our mental wellbeing–is the obvious fact that we cannot exist at another time than the present time. Our minds, however–like the record players of the past–have 5 buttons that can illusorily take us to other “times” that do not exist in actuality but only in our minds.
These mental modes act as “time machines” and they are:
1-Play
2-Fast forward
3-Rewind
4-Pause
5-Stop
This record player analogy is very useful to think about your mental life and its workings. Using this simple record player model will help you understand what time you are living in mentally; whether that mode you are in is productive or not; what mode you need to turn into for be more effective; and when and where you need to do it. After realizing what thinking mode you are on, you will realize which button you need to push to do whatever you intend to do in life.
The power of the NOW
This is an oft-repeated catchphrase, in fact it is a title of a pop psychology book. However, when it comes to our lives and our very existence, it is a fact that it can only take place in the NOW. The “now” is a very elusive thing, though. It is really hard to grasp the NOW and its essence. This is so because–the minute we think or say “now,” it is already going into the past. So–the odd aspect about this question that we seldom, if ever, consider–is that our minds do not go into the future as we intuitively think but that they are constantly putting the now into the past.
This phenomenon is called “actualizing our possibilities.” So, instead of thinking in terms of the NOW as it is so often preached by well-intentioned authors, we need to think instead of life as a process of BECOMING in the NOW. It means creating in the NOW a future-oriented project that is constantly actualized as we go into the immediate future.
In this process, we go from the now into the future all the time in an irrevocable way—but we can never BE in the future. This is the case as, when that future is reached, it becomes once again a NOW. The same can be said of the PAST. Yesterday is gone and gone forever in an unmodifiable way.
This means our life is a SELF-PROJECT IN PROGRESS. In our lives, we are always–and as long as we are alive–involved in an endless process of BECOMING. This process entails actualizing future moments by putting them into the past in the eternal NOW. In this regard, an IDEAL, a GOAL–an unconscious DESIRE and a CONSCIOUS INTENTION to get into action–play pivotal roles in shaping the NOW and determining who we eventually become.
The NOW defined
My way of defining this elusive element of our realities we call the NOW is this:“The NOW is that fleeting moment in which we expect the future while remembering the past in the process of BECOMING.”
The NOW and the record player model
From this perspective, the NOW can then be equated to the PLAY button in life. When we are living in the present moment, fully immersed in it, we are in what I will call here “PLAY mode.” It is interesting to note that we are the only living beings that have these 5 “buttons” in their minds to deal with “existence.” All other animals have only PAY, PAUSE and STOP; but they lack the REWIND and FAST FORWARD functions.
This is so as we are the only animal who uses language and speaks. Animals have different ways of communicating among themselves–but they lack language and therefore speech. We are the only living beings who have a symbolic system in our minds. This system allows us to go forward and backwards in our minds. It is these mind abilities that allow us to exile ourselves from the NOW.
Using the mental “time machine” is the main trait that defines us as Human Beings. Language is the tool we use to carry this out. Language use allows for rational thinking, controlling our environments, and projecting ourselves into the future. It is the mind function that enable us to remember and learn from past experiences. Language use then is our greatest blessing and our greatest curse: And, remember, our thoughts are made of words.
The animals live in the now while we can move in time
Even if animals do have a memory, that is not the same as having a REWIND button in your mind. Their memories work automatically as part of their instinctual apparatus. These memories allow them to adjust to the present moment. So, animals live in “an eternal present.” They inhabit an adjusted world until they die, a fact they ignore as long as they live.
Animals do not have a symbolic concept of time like we do. Therefore, they do not know that their lives will end. On the other hand, as the existentialists would put it, animals do not know that they are “for death”–but we humans do. And this fact creates time pressures in our minds as we know this game called life has an ending.
While animals live in the eternal NOW, this is not the case for humans and we suffer as a result of it. In post-modern life, we spend more time in FAST FORWARD and in REWIND modes than in PLAY. No wonder we feel so miserable most of the time. This is particularly true of life in post-modern American society in the XXI century: We live in a constant state of future-oriented angst.
Even if having the Fast forward and the Rewind buttons gives us an edge over all other animals and they have helped us to conquer the world we live in, they can also be the source of torment by causing excessive anxiety and guilt.
The “What ifs” and their psychological consequences
If you care to pay attention, you will realize that most of your worries begin with the question “What if.” Now, let’s examine what a “worry” really is. A worry is a pre-occupation. That is the Latin root of the word worry. It basically means “to be occupied with something before it happens.” This separates it from “an occupation,” which is “taking care of the business at hand.” A worry is the usher of the state of anxiety.
So, when we begin to think worrisome thoughts that start with the “What if…?” question, unconsciously we are turning on the FAST FORWARD MODE in our minds. We then proceed to bring our minds into a hypothetical future which does not exist in reality. Thus, we start using our present moments to live in a time which does not actually exist but in our heads, which is the land of TOMORROW.
It is important to realize also that, as Einstein taught us, TIME is relative and that it is a product of our minds, i.e., a byproduct of using language, our thinking in words that form our thoughts and our world.
Time is largely a byproduct of the verb tenses use in the way we think
If you ever took English in school, you may remember that verbs (action words) have “tenses.” So, we speak of a “present tense,” a “past tense,” a “future tense,” and so on and so forth.
It is not the same to say: “I am reading this post now” than to say “I will read this post tomorrow.” In the first situation we are using the present continuous tense and in the second the indefinite future tense. One describes an action in the NOW; the other a will–or future projection (a self-promise)–of an action that will take place in another NOW we call “TOMORROW.”
In the first situation we have control of the situation. We can, for example, decide to read on, to make a pause for coffee and resume reading later, or just to stop doing it. In this case action is possible. It is immediate, and it allows for free decision-making and full control of the situation in the NOW.
We have no control over the future: That is the source of all anxiety
In the second situation, in the future, we have no control whatsoever. It may be that tomorrow something else crops up in our day that prevents us from reading. We may be taken ill without warning; we no longer feel like doing it–or that this website is down and reading it becomes impossible. So, while we tell ourselves we WILL do it, we have simply NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER as to the circumstances–and the state of mind–that involve that FUTURE NOW. So the reading may or may not happen: And this causes Uncertainty.
The antidote to worry is Action
The consequence of this reflection is simple: We feel OK when we do something in the present and we have a degree of control over our lives and our situations. On the other hand, when we have no possibility of action in the present, we have no control over life circumstances, UNCERTAINTY immediately crops up. And this “uncertainty”–unerringly–leads to the feeling of anxiety.
So, if we follow this line of thinking, we realize that while occupation leads to action and control, preoccupation leads to inaction, lack of control, and worry. The emotion that is automatically elicited from worrisome thoughts is ANXIETY: And anxiety is always future-related.
So, we see that the “What Ifs” send us into an uncertain future and into eternal worrying by living in FAST FORWARD mode. In this mode, we waste our precious present moments to live in an unreal world of the FUTURE. If you think that way compulsively, you may end up suffering from a mental condition I have dubbed “Whatifitis.”
The futility of thinking “If Only”
In psychiatry, this “condition” is called a Generalized Anxiety Disorder. While the “What ifs” questions take you on an excursion into an uncertain future, the “If only” clause will lead your thinking into the irrevocable past. “If only” is always the introduction to ineffectual thoughts about a past. This is the case as those things never happened, but that you are trying unsuccessfully to modify in the present .
The “flight into the past” to avoid doing anything productive with your life in your present
People say things such, “If only my parents would have told me about the importance of getting a college education, I would not be in this situation now.” And this is an example of what I often hear in therapy in many frustrated people. The problems with this way of past-oriented thinking are multiple. First of all, “If only” is taking this person to a time that does not exist in reality and that by definition cannot be modified.
Secondly, whatever transpired in your life–even if it is the breakfast you had this morning–is water under the bridge. You cannot change a hoot of what happened even a few hours ago. Likewise, you cannot “uneat” what you ate this morning. You may decide to vomit it because you now regret what you ate, but that is another story: Vomiting is not the same as “uneating.”
So, here again, we are going into an excursion into the past tense with our minds. In the REWIND MODE, we find the reality of lack of control and the impossibility of undoing. Whatever transpired is now history.
But, in the above-mentioned thought pattern, there is more than just unhealthy thinking. There is also a misattribution of responsibility to others (in this case blaming parents for what they did or did not do); and therefore, an attempt is made at disavowing one’s own responsibility in our life decisions and their consequences. So, this is the essence of neurotic thinking: It is past-oriented, it is blaming, it is responsibility avoidant, and it is paralyzing.
The payoffs of thinking unhealthy thoughts
Of course, this person in REWIND mode may be saying this just to feel better about himself/herself in the present. He/she may also use it as an excuse for their lack of success in their present lives or as a reason not to do anything effective with their life now.
A non-neurotic thought mode would be to put his/her mind back into PLAY mode and say to himself/herself: “I realize it was a mistake back in my youth to not realize the importance of a college education for my future earning capacity.” “My parents did the best they could with what they knew then.” What can I do to further my education today and my increase my earning capacity in the NOW?
In this healthier way of thinking, there is no flight into the past, no externalizing blaming, and no justification for past actions. There is a shift from an external locus of control (the past is uncontrollable by definition)–to internal control in the NOW. This mindset shift allows for a renewed project of the Self in the present. It puts your Self into action in the immediate future.
While the previous way of thinking leads to inaction, anxiety, and depression, the non-neurotic way of thinking puts you back in track with your life. It projects you into the future and it turns preoccupation with the past into a productive occupation in the present.
In future posts on this series on anxiety, depression, and guilt promoting thinking I will continue to explore other functions in “the record player” and how they can be used to improve the way you feel and your productivity.
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I hope to see you in my next post,
Till then,
Dr T