Have you ever wondered who your “first love”really was?
Well, it probably wasn’t who you thought. At any rate, it was not who you think it should have been. You now need to get acquainted with YOUR FIRST LOVE and–from now on–learn how to FLY.….
You probably have heard it preached from the pulpits and church stands over and over again: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” And even if you have never set foot in a church, you are probably familiar with this Christian commandment as it forms the basis of human conviviality in our society.
In this post I will address this most important topic for your subjective well-being :”Our first love.” However, “First love” from the perspective of this post is not what you are thinking. I will not be writing here of the first girl or boy you ever fell in love with in elementary school. (That will be the subject of another post). On the contrary. I am addressing something much more basic–and definitely much more important than who was the first object of your external affections. In this post, I will be referring to your relationship with your OWN SELF. The only relationship you will never be able to get rid of until you leave this world. Your “First Love” then should and must be your own Self.
Your “First Love” Should be your own SELF
In regards to SELF-LOVE–or SELF-ESTEEM–there is so much to write that a whole volume would not suffice to cover this psychology chapter. So, I will just broach the subject here as a brief introduction to a much more extensive question. But, it is important to begin with this introductory topic in this series on “Love and Relationships.” This is so, as it is essential to fix this relationship with your own Self first if you ever want to be able to engage in any meaningful love relationship with anyone else.
Most people I see in my office complain of loneliness. They also complain of being depressed and of not being able to connect with others or of not being able to have good love relationships in their lives. But, most of all–and on a daily basis–I deal with people who has severe problems in the area of Self-Love. This is the case as I specialize in mood disorders and anxiety disorders.
In this regard, when it comes to the issue of the relationship with their own Selves, we have to distinguish two extremes in the clinical population. People can be grouped around the two polar opposites that are represented in the two lines in the commandment above. There are those who have problems with loving others, i.e., the narcissists (and the personality disorders); and there are those who have problems with the “as themselves” line, the neurotics and the depressives. The latter are the people who suffer from the so-called “neurotic” conditions. They are the ones suffering from low self-esteem issues, and these are those that I see more frequently in my practice.
Understanding “Neurotic” Versus “Psychotic”
The word “neurotic” unfortunately has fallen into disuse in today’s psychiatry and psychology in America. In the DSM 5 (The Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association, 5th Edition) this word has been replaced by the neutral term”disorder.” However, “neurotic” is a useful term of psychoanalytical origin worth keeping in our vocabulary. “Neurotic” means that someone is not “psychotic” (someone who is in touch with reality and is not “crazy”), and who has internal conflict. On the other hand, the word “personality disorder,” or “character disorder” points to an individual who has very little internal conflict but has significant conflict with others.
So, neurotics suffer from anxiety and depression and they are a problem to themselves (and thus they seek help in therapy); while “personality disorders” tend to be impulsive, display frequent mood swings, have co-occurring substance abuse problems–and they are a problem to society/others (and thus they seek help in less frequently).
Understanding the Self-Esteem Normalcy Curve
The Self-Esteem Normalcy Curve shows on both sides the extremes of the frequencies of occurrence of self esteem scores (higher and lower on a scale) measured in peoples’attitudes towards their own selves: To the left (in white) the narcissist group–those that love themselves to the exclusion of others–and to the right (in white)–those that love others to the exclusion of themselves.
In the middle of the Bell’s Curve (the area shaded in light blue) there is the rest of the so-called “normal” population, those of us who are “normal” (67 percent of the population) in terms of Self-Esteem. The “normal” then oscillate: they do not show too much Self-Idolatry to the level of being “Narcissists,” and they do not have too little Self-Love, to the level of having “Narcissistic Deficits” or poor Self-Esteem issues.
Now, it is important to keep in mind that in the group of the so-called “Narcissists” (the ones on the extreme left of the curve)–that everybody talks about nowadays (especially women that have been wronged by bad men)–there can be several different sub-groups.
I will point out that there are at least two main groups to keep in mind within the narcissists, one of which you probably will never hear about. The “Bad Narcissist” (which roughly corresponds to the DSM 5 description of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the Antisocial Personality Disorder), which are the ones everybody is talking and complaining about when they refer to “narcissist men;” and the “Good” Narcissist, a group that is not much talked about. The “good” Narcissist will be the subject of a future post.
But, in this article, I will focus on the large majority of people seen in clinical settings that has problems with Narcissistic deficits: those who suffer from low self-esteem. These are the people that suffer from the two conditions that have taken epidemic proportions in American culture in the XXI century: Social Anxiety and Major Depression.
Social Anxiety and Major Depression: The Two Maladies of Our Time
These two conditions are strongly intertwined. Social anxiety–or extreme shyness–is a strong predisposing factor for atypical depression later on in life. It is also a predisposing factor for social isolation, poor social integration, low work performance, alcoholism and drug use.
There is evidence that babies are born with a certain temperament. Some babies are known to display what is known as “hard-to-warm-up”temperaments. The “hard-to-warm-up temperament” later on develops into a tendency to introversion. Introverts, overall, tend to be shy and aloof. Shyness, is associated with problems reaching out to others, making friends, meeting people, and dealing effectively with new situations. The painfully shy are children (and later on adults) that are easily hurt. These are people that are overly sensitive to criticism and they have a tendency to develop problems in the area of human connections and low self-esteem.
Self-Love Versus Selfishness
The key point to keep in mind here is that society–and religious groups in general–have put an excessive amount of emphasis on the LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR side of the commandment, while neglecting the AS YOURSELF part of it.
This is so, as the second line of the commandment has been traditionally associated with the Puritan notion that Loving yourself is tantamount to BEING SELFISH. From a psychological perspective, teaching this commandment from this perspective is a terrible error and a most destructive one at that.
Let me clarify here–once and for all–what the difference is between SELFISHNESS and SELF-LOVE and why it is essential that we understand this difference and apply it to our lives and to the lives of those we love. Moreover, it is essential to understand why it is of the utmost importance to start teaching our children to love themselves instead of putting themselves down.
The characteristics of selfishness:
- Selfishness is an attitude of being self-centered, in which you want all the good things for yourself AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS.
- You want things your way ALL THE TIME.
- You have NO REGARD for the RIGHTS or NEEDS of OTHERS.
- You cannot share your toys or your goodies with others
- You could care less about the others’ well-being, as long as you can reach your own personal objectives.
- In short, if you are a selfish person, the Other is just an object, just a means to an end–your end
Self-love, on the other hand, means that you have a loving attitude towards your own Self–the same one that hopefully you will extend to all others. In this stance you love everyone, others and yourself EQUALLY.
The characteristics of a Healthy SELF-ESTEEM:
- Self-love means that you treat yourself well, with appreciation, gratitude, kindness, and patience.
- Self-love means YOU ARE NEVER CRUEL TOWARDS YOURSELF.
- You DO NOT abuse your body, but you go along with it.
- Loving yourself means that you feed your body well with the best organic food you can afford and that you exercise it.
- Self-love is an attitude in which you do not feed it toxic substances nor disrespect your body natural functions in any way.
- Loving yourself means that you respect your body’s natural biological rhythms by letting it rest when it needs to rest.
- When you love yourself you do not reject–or are ashamed of–any of your body parts or any of its natural biological functions.
A true attitude of Self LOVE is an attitude of Self Respect and dignity. It is stance in which you TRULY LIKE YOURSELF. You like yourself so much that you DO NOT NEED TO BRAG ABOUT HOW GREAT YOU ARE, WHAT A SUCCESS YOU ARE, OR HOW GREAT YOU LOOK.
So, when you really love yourself you are not conceited; you are nor a show off, as there is no inferiority complex to make up for.
You know of your own value and you do not put your self-worth into question–NOR DO YOU NEED ANYONE ELSE–LET ALONE A MAN OR A WOMAN–TO VALIDATE IT.
Remember that SELF-WORTH is NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE BUT ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.
SELF-LOVE is an attitude in which you treat your own SELF as SACRED.
Self-love in Relationships
When you truly love yourself, the minute you are seriously disrespected by anyone you are out of the relationship. This particularly applies to women in their relationships with men.
Oftentimes, women take too much crap from men they should not take. I see this pattern over and over again in my practice: many times women–out of dependency or low self-esteem–take physical, emotional, or verbal abuse from men for years before they stand up for themselves or leave the relationship altogether.
Make no mistake about it: NOT LEAVING AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP IS THE ULTIMATE SIGN OF LOW SELF ESTEEM and of LACK OF SELF-LOVE.
Your Attitude towards your own body
Your own body and your own SELF is a TEMPLE. So, you do not denigrate it by sharing it with anyone and everyone.
When you see yourself in that way, as a Sacred TEMPLE (and if you happen to be a believer, a Sacred Temple of God), you are much more selective as to who you share it with. When you love yourself you are not easy.
When you develop an attitude of Self-love, you never put yourself down. This means YOU DO NOT ENVY OTHERS. This is so, as ENVY is the BIGGEST PUT DOWN TO YOUR OWN SELF.
- Not envying means giving up the peremptory need to compete with others and beat them.
- You give up the need to be number ONE.
- You come to the realization that YOU ARE UNIQUE.
- There is only ONE YOU and there will never be another YOU on this planet. So, there is no point in comparing yourself to anyone else; it would be like comparing apples and oranges.
- YOU ARE ON YOUR PATH, THEY ARE ON THEIRS.
- Then, YOU TILL YOUR PLOT AND YOU LET THEM TILL THEIRS.
And if you happen to make the same mistakes again, you recognize you are human and weak, like the rest of us–and with patience–you pick yourself up and you do not give up. You do not loose hope, but insist on changing your life around.
There is no point in regretting what you did or did not do in the past. You change your life FROM NOW ON. You create a new and much more fulfilling life for yourself. You make the necessary amends with others and YOU FORGIVE OTHERS TOO WHEN NECESSARY.
You start all over again with faith and confidence in yourself that next time you will conquer whatever it is that you need to conquer in yourself.
This applies to any demons that you may be fighting in your life. And we ALL have demons to battle on a daily basis.
SELF LOVE AND SELF IMPROVEMENT
The Buddah said:
“A man who has conquered himself is more powerful than a man who has conquered a thousand enemies a thousand times.”
To start the process of Self Love, you have to make peace with your own physicality. This is a crucial first step for everybody to take in the direction of building up Self-Esteem, but particularly for women, who are always dissatisfied with their appearance.
In this regard, keep in mind the following points:
1-You are NOT your body, you just HAVE ONE
2-What you see reflected in the mirror, is your IMAGE, not who you really ARE
3-Who you really ARE is invisible to the EYES. It is “the witness” that sees the image reflected in the mirror. It has no shape, no form, and NO WEIGHT: IT IS SPIRIT.
4-Avoid the temptation of buying into society’s destructive message: You are OK AS YOU ARE and WEIGHT IS NOT A SYNONYM OF BEAUTY. YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF MEAT AND YOU ARE MUCH MORE THAN JUST FLESH AND BONES.
5-When it comes to your body and your relationship with it, there are two ways to looking at it: There are things you can change about it and things you CANNOT.
6-Most things about our physical bodies cannot be changed, and this only gets worse as you age. That is not the truth for YOU but for the REST OF US MORTALS.
7-If there is something you dislike about your body and it can be modified, by all means, stop complaining about it, and start working to improve it. Today there are MANY MORE METHODS THAN IN ANY OTHER HISTORICAL TIME TO IMPROVE YOUR BODILY IMAGE IS YOU SET OUT TO DO THAT SERIOUSLY.
8-With regards to those things that CANNOT BE CHANGED, such as age, gender, race, skin color, size, build, etc, learn to come to terms with what you’ve got. THIS IS ESSENTIAL.
It is all out necessary to come to a STATE OF PEACE WITH WHO YOU ARE PHYSICALLY AND ATTAIN A RADICAL ACCEPTANCE OF YOUR PHYSICAL BEING.
9-The measure of whether you have achieved that acceptance of your physical being is whether you are comfortable taking your clothes off on a beach, putting on your bathing suit and not feeling self-conscious about it.
10-If your physical problem is severe, such as suffering from significant obesity or having a physical surgically-correctable condition, consider seeing a plastic or bariatric surgeon for either medication treatment or surgery.
Changing the body shape has an immense effect on the psychological attitude towards the Self. But, remember, changing the body only and by itself WILL NOT improve self-esteem. PSYCHOTHERAPY is a MUST to improve self esteem.
Before you consult a surgeon, you should embark in psychotherapy first, read books on the subject, follow this blog, see a dietitian, your primary doctor, and also consider working out for quite a long time. Furthermore, consider hiring the services of a personal trainer to improve your physical appearance.
Remember: Treating yourself well in any occasion is always psychologically healthier than putting yourself down.
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts on this matter,
See you on my next post
Cheers!
I think everyone should read this post. Thanks for sharing!