Overcoming Loneliness and Accepting “Existential Aloneness”

Existential Series: Overcoming Loneliness and Accepting “Existential Aloneness” Posted on August 23, 2020 by Rodolfo Trivisonno, MD

The Beatles in the sixties sang about loneliness this way:

“All the lonely people, where do they all come from, All the lonely people, where do they all belong”

Eleanor Rigby. Song by John Lennon and Paul McCartney

You feel alone, you feel lonely, you feel different. You are discriminated against, you feel cast out, and you feel misunderstood. Who has not ever felt that way sometime in his/her life?

It is a fact of life: WE ARE ALL ALONE.

What are we to do about that? How can we transcend those feelings of loneliness that we all experience at times?

The Background of the Problem of Aloneness

Psychoanalyst Eric Fromm in the XX century thought that the biggest Existential challenge for Human Beings was not so much how to satisfy our sexual needs, as Freud posited, but rather how to overcome our “Existential Aloneness.” Unlike Freud, who had put his emphasis on Sexuality and meeting its needs, Eric Fromm put the emphasis on the perennial problem of Human Aloneness and Human Connection. When I look around at the world in which we live in the XXI century, I cannot help but agree with Fromm that Connection–or lack thereof–is the biggest psycho-social problem we all face in our post-modern lives.

Loneliness, as I have mentioned in my previous posts is “the Malady of Our Times.“ 

“I feel lonely” is one of the most common–if not the most common complaint–I hear in my office on a daily basis. And what is really more concerning is the fact that it is a rapidly growing psychological phenomenon–particularly among the elderly and the young.

Existential Series: Overcoming Loneliness and Accepting “Existential Aloneness” Alone in the crowd

Now, I will start here, as usual, by making a few definitions that will clarify what we are talking about when we mention words such as “being alone,” “isolation,” “solitude,””feeling lonely,””Individuality,” and “Existential Aloneness.” 

It is essential to understand these words, their differences–as well as the nuances of their meaning–for the purpose of our discussion here.

Being Alone

Existential Series: Overcoming Loneliness and Accepting “Existential Aloneness” Being Alone with your thoughts

First let’s start with the expression “being alone.”

“Being alone” simply means the physical fact of not being in the presence of others, of not having other human beings around. It is a statement of physical fact, not a psychological state. You are alone when you are in the bathroom, in your room sleeping or thinking, sitting on a flight of stairs thinking like the guy above, or when you are taking a solitary walk down the park.

“Solitude,” on the other hand, is a state of feeling lonely and separated from others. Solitude is experienced when someone has been excluded or rejected by the rest. Solitude, often–but not always–leads to feelings of loneliness. Solitude is experienced when you feel you are not considered part of the group. Some people, however, enjoy solitude. They do not seek or need people’s company to feel connected.

Exclusion is one of the most devastating feelings Human Beings can experience. We Humans are social Beings by nature–part of the type of “gregarious animals” on the planet that live in groups–thus our greatest desire in life is to be accepted by others, to be a part of the herd, and our biggest fear is TO BE REJECTED or EXCLUDED.

Separation and Exclusions as Forms of Painful Punishment

Not surprisingly, one of the worst forms of punishment since immemorial times is FORCED SEPARATION FROM OTHERS. In the past, this form of punishment was practiced as BANISHMENT from the group. In the original Puritan American Colonies, for example, if you did not agree with the prevailing religious ideas or the religious mores of the group, you were banished from the colony.

In the present time, SEPARATION as a form of punishment, can be carried out by being singled out in any way, shape, or form. So, most people avoid this like the plague. Most people in our culture strive to conform to the prevailing mores of society to avoid exclusion.

Separation throughout our lifetimes

The initial traumatic separation happens at birth when they cut the umbilical cord and separate you once and for all from you mother. As everyone knows, we all start out life crying–not laughing. It can be said, without the risk of exaggerating that life is a process of continuous separations since the moment we are born until we leave this world.

It then goes on as a baby; they let you you sleep by your mom and you breast feed. Then, one day, when you get a little older, you are weaned off and evicted by your parents to another room and you cry again because of this new separation. As an infant, as a way to make you obey the adults’s rules, when you misbehave, your parents may send you to your room to cool down for a while.

Later on in life, as a young person in school, if you misbehave, they send you to the principal’s office, and your teachers separate you from the rest of your class. The punishment can take the form of being actively excluded (like when everybody in your group of friends gets an invitation to a party and you don’t); being effectively isolated (in an aseptic room because you have got COVID-19); or being put away–incarcerated–in a jail or prison because you committed a crime.

Being Excluded from God

In the case of religious groups, exclusion takes the form of EXCOMMUNICATION.

It can be excommunication from your church, the synagogue, the mesquite, or the ashram. This uncommon and extreme form of punishment is the result of not submitting to the group’s mandates, or of not agreeing to the commonly-held creed or the shared mores of the group. At the moment o f being excommunicated, you become a Pariah and an “Infidel” to the rest of the group to which you previously belonged. From then on, you lose their support, their approval, and your former “friends.”You are now completely on your own. And the feeling is one of desolation.

This form of punishment by Exclusion takes its ultimate form in some variants of the threat of punishment by God in the Afterlife if you have led a sinful life. So, while some religious groups speak of “a Hell of Eternal Suffering” characterized by “Fire, Brimstone and Damnation,” another version of punishment in “Hell” is just being “Excluded” from the presence of God and the rest of those who made it to Heaven.

In practical terms this other form of “Hell” means that–because of not meeting the required standards of behavior to make it into Heaven (sinning in excess)– after dying you are not allowed to partake in the Joy of His Presence with the rest of those who behaved well and made it into Heaven. So, as a result, you are condemned to the exclusion of the joy of Eternal Life with your loved ones who are in the presence of God.

Isolation Versus Exclusion

Existential Series: Overcoming Loneliness and Accepting “Existential Aloneness” Experiencing medical isolation

Above, I have examined “Exclusion.” “Isolation,” on the other hand, means a detachment and separation from others that is not complete and not necessarily the result of punishment. 

Isolation can be imposed by others or self-imposed–or even personally chosen. A common example in these times of COVID-19 pandemic is to be put “in medical isolation” if you are suspected of or are suffering from this infection. This situation is pictured in the image above. Isolation is sometimes a necessary measure in life. And many people, on the other hand, love to live in isolation. They just enjoy their solitude.

The root of the world “Isolation” comes from the word “Isle.” If you are isolated then, you are living on an Island. This can be a physical/geographical one or a psychological one.

But, someone said that “No man (or woman) is an Island.” Even Robinson Crusoe, all alone in his island, remained mentally connected to England. And eventually rejoiced when he found Friday as a companion.

Being Lonely

Being–or feeling lonely–is a painful state of mind characterized by–or causing–a depressing feeling of being alone. It is a synonym of feeling lonesome. Loneliness is then a dark and deep hurtful feeling. It is a crude encounter with the VOID inside of us. It is experienced when there is a real–or perceived–lack of friends, companionship, support, or the like–or when we have lost a significant other or a significant relationship.

WE FEEL LONELY WHEN WE FEEL THAT WE DON’T MATTER TO OTHERS and THAT NOBODY GIVES A DAMN WHETHER WE EXIST OR NOT.

The Problem of Social Integration: Finding a Place in the Other

Existential Series: Overcoming Loneliness and Accepting “Existential Aloneness” Finding your Place in the Other

The Plight of Undocumented immigrants as an example of Exlusion

An example of a lonely state would be living in exile when you had to emigrate to another country to escape economic hardship or political persecution--and you are then rejected by the new country’s society. In the United States, a case in point that illustrates best this tragic situation of social and legal exclusion is the plight of the undocumented immigrants. These so called “illegals” do not have a place in the American social Other, they are persecuted and vilified. Therefore, they–as well as their children–suffer severe and permanent psychological damage for living in hiding under those uncertain social circumstances of “illegality.”

Excluded because of being “different”

But most people that feel lonely in our culture today feel so because–for whatever reason–they are not socially integrated. These isolated individuals usually do not have friends. They tend to lack social skills. They are discriminated against because of their race, gender, age, nationality, immigration status, sexual orientation, or because of any other personal trait that singles them out as DIFFERENT OR “OTHER” from the majority.

These “different” people are in American culture are considered “losers.” They are often put down, teased, or bullied by their peers sometimes because of physical deformities, their excess weight, or their unusual physical traits. A times, they are rejected by others because they have low self-esteem, they are not well-dressed because of poverty, they are shy or they lack social skills or a degree of sexual attractiveness. They are therefore unable to secure significant others for themselves; and–not infrequently, they lack good relationships with their primary families.

Self -excluded because of Drugs/Alcohol Use and Your own actions

In our culture, many individuals end up in these exclusion circumstances because of their own heavy and prolonged involvement with drug use. This is a sad tragic of post-modern American culture and it is a sorely widespread social and psychological problem.

Eventually, as a result of their life-style and the choices they make, substance users burn all their social bridges and connections. People, significant others–and primary families–get fed up with them and their behaviors. People get tired of their irresponsible behavior and thus they are eventually ostracized by family and friends. In other words, substance users are EXCLUDED because it becomes impossible for their love ones to deal with them and be around them anymore.

So, there is a large group of people that end up being ostracized not because of active social exclusion by others but because of their self-inflicted behaviors that lead to eventual exclusion.

Understanding Individuality

“Individuality” is a more positive word. It means that you are an individual. This means you are someone with a unique mind of your own who sees things in a particular way. This is different from sheer Individualism, a situation in which you just care about yourself disregarding the well-being of others in your community.

Having a sense of individuality signifies that others may not see things the same way as you do, and that is OK. In fact, no one else can see the world through your eyes.

As individuals, we all have a partial view of the world, people, and the Universe. Even if we can make efforts to blur the boundaries of “Separateness” from others, and we can even share some aspects of our worlds with them, (the root of the word Religion is the Latin Re-ligare, which means to Reunite) , as it is the case when you are a member of a religious or political group–ultimately, WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN IDIOSYNCRATIC VIEWS OF THE WORLD.

WE ARE INDIVIDUALS INHABITING OUR OWN MENTAL ISLANDS–WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT OR WHETHER WE REALIZE OR NOT.

The Concept of “Existential Aloneness”

Finally, the concept of “Existential Aloneness” examined by Eric Fromm simply means that–throughout our entire Existence–WE ARE ALL ALONE.

We come into this world alone and we will leave this world alone. This is the case even if we are surrounded by our entire family and love ones in our death beds.

I could go on developing this concept for hours and not exhaust it, as it has multiple psychological ramifications. But, for the purpose of this post, it is essential that you grasp and integrate this notion of “Existential Aloneness” because it is a structural fact of Life that CANNOT BE ELIMINATED.

Since we are all alone, and we can only see the world through our own eyes, we are naturally bound to feeling separated from others. As a result of this fact of Existence–and the reality of the painful feelings of SEPARATION we all experience as Human Beings–most of us become involved in some modality of attempt to overcome these intolerable feelings of separation from others. We engage in this quest to connect through multiple strategies. Some of these life strategies are healthy and some not.

The Most Common Strategies Used in the Attempt to Escape Existential Aloneness

We attempt to overcome our Existential Aloneness through these strategies:

• Love and relationships
• Sex
• Religion
• Work involvement and professional organizations
• Adhering to political ideologies.
• Identifying with nationalisms, regionalisms, and ideologies
• Living in communities (such as the hippie communities of the sixties)
• Becoming members of organizations, institutions, and clubs
• Becoming members of Hate/Anti discrimination groups or other Cause Identification groups or political movements
• Through mystical Union with God or the Universe.
• By using mind-altering substances
• By participating in indiscriminate sexual activity or orgiastic activities

But there are two much more common forms of modern individuals’ attempting to overcome alienation from others in American culture. One very common one is through “Conformity” (trying to escape Aloneness by becoming like everybody else); and the other is through what Eric Fromm called “orgiastic methods.”

The main form of “orgiastic methods” used today in the Western World are through inebriation with drugs and alcohol, through sexual promiscuity, and through group sexual practices.

In primitive cultures, and even in our own today, there are other ways of connecting with others that occur through the commonly-shared ceremonies, rituals, and national celebrations. A good example of commonly-shared communal celebrations in present day American culture are the Halloween, Thanksgiving, and the Fourth of July celebrations.

Ten Ways to Help You Overcome Feelings of Loneliness

Existential Aloneness is a fact of life–not just for you–but for every other Human Being on the planet. It is a Structural reality of HUMAN Existence.

When you keep this fact in mind–that WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT–you do not feel so alone anymore. Therefore, “Existential Aloneness” is a psychological reality we need to become aware of and come to terms with.

• WE ALL NEED TO LEARN TO BE ALONE, PRACTICE IT OFTEN, AND FEEL OK WITH IT.
• Remember that I you cannot be alone, it is usually because YOU DO NOT LIKE THE PERSON YOU ARE ALONE WITH.
• IN ORDER TO OVERCOME LONELINESS, IT IS ESSENTIAL TO DEVELOP SELF-LOVE.
• THE MORE YOU LOVE YOURSELF, THE LESS LONELY YOU WILL FEEL.
• When you love yourself enough, you feel CONNECTED to others, the Universe, and/or God.
• YOU HAVE TO REALIZE THAT YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE IN CONSTANT COMPANY OF OTHERS TO FEEL OR BE CONNECTED.
• If you do not love or like yourself, you may be surrounded by the entire world and you will still feel alone, lonely, and miserable.
• Throughout your life, you need to practice “the Art of Being Alone” and develop solitary activities that entertain you without needing other people to carry them out.
• Activities such as reading, praying, meditating, working out, playing an instrument, daydreaming, etc, can all be done by yourself without the need of company. 
• Get in the habit of taking some of these alone activities up in your life.
• People that need the constant presence of others feel BORED when they are not in company.
• Boredom is virtually NON-EXISTENT in people that LOVE THEMSELVES AND HAVE LEARNED TO ENJOY THEMSELVES IN SOLITUDE.
• Finally, If you are bored when you are alone, it is because YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE ALONE WITH YOUR OWN SELF. This is the result that you have not cultivated your own SELF and now you find your own SELF not interesting.
• So, in order to correct this problem, you need to become more interesting to your own SELF by developing a wide variety of personal interests and skills of your own.

Do you feel alone? Do you feel lonely? What can you do to combat those feelings? How can you help others feel less alone?

Share with the rest of us some of your strategies to combat these feelings when they show up in your life.

Join our readers community and decrease your social isolation. 

Remember that THE BEST ANTIDOTE TO LONELINESS IS HUMAN COMPANY.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU JUST THINK YOU ARE BECAUDE YOU ARE PART OF HUMANITY

Dr T