How to Survive Narcissistic Parents: The Mother
In my previous post on this subject named The Pains of Surviving Narcissistic Parents, I started this series by describing the increased frequency of narcissism in western culture, but particularly in American society in the last half-century. I strongly suggest you read this previous post as an introduction to understand this one and the ones that will follow in this series.
As a result of the increase in narcissistic stances and radical individualism in American society since the 1960s, we have now four generations of people that have grown up exposed to the toxic effects of having narcissistic parents. As a result of this trend, the quality of parenting has deteriorated as good parenting always requires a measure of altruism and self sacrifice.
The best case in point of growing up with a narcissist parent is having an alcoholic or an addict as a parental figure. Another common example is the abusive or abandoning narcissistic male who does not step up to the plate in his role as father. But narcissism goes above and beyond substance use disorders and its effects on children. Narcissistic traits are much more widespread than it is suspected. These traits are not even noticed today as they have become “normalized” in American society. There are many narcissistic people that do not abuse drugs or alcohol, but they are still psychologically toxic to the development and wellbeing of their children
Parental toxicity according to age of impact
The first thing to take into account here is your age. It is not the same to be a child with narcissistic parents as it is to be an adolescent or a young adult still living at home. It is also different to be an independent adult suffering from the psychological effects of having grown up with narcissistic parents in the past versus having to still deal with them in the present. And, it is even worse if you are now having to deal with narcissistic aging parents in need of care making demands on you in the here and now.
In general, the situation can also be divided in three possibilities:
1-Those people who had a narcissistic father
2-Those who had a narcissistic mother
3-Those who had both narcissistic parents.
In terms of the severity of the negative effects on children, having a narcissistic mother—or both parents being narcissistic–are by far much more damaging psychological situations. In fact, if both parents are extremely narcissistic, the life of the child is endangered. This is so as the child may be abused, neglected–or even abandoned altogether.
The mother is the most important person in a child’s life throughout most of their childhood and adolescence. The mother is the significant other that has the greatest physical and psychological impact on who we become later on in life as adults. She is the root and the pillar of what becomes a human being.
A father with narcissistic traits, on the other hand, can be very damaging to the family as well. But overall, if the mother is not a narcissist–and if she is a “good enough mother”–the harmful effect of the father’s narcissism on the child can be buffered. On the other hand, the mother’s narcissism affects the child directly and without a filter, even if the father is not a narcissist. While the fathers’ narcissism affects the well-being of the mother–and of the entire family including the children–the mother may still act as a protection for the child from the psychological harms created by the narcissistic father.
Growing up in American since the 1970s and in the XXI century
In the United States in the 2020s, many children are born to both parents with self-centered traits. These are the children that suffer and fare the worst from a mental health standpoint. Oftentimes, these children develop severe depression, post traumatic stress, low self-esteem disorders, and guilt issues. Many are also diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Oftentimes, some of these children suffer from “inattention” as they are not paid enough attention by their parents and they do not live in a stable home environment. These children then become anxious, restless, inattentive and do not do well in school in academics and behavior. Others become addicts, antisocial personalities, or Borderline personality disorders later on in their lives.
A percentage of these children of narcissists become Narcissistic Personality Disorders (NPD) themselves. These are the ones that later repeat the transgenerational cycle of mental disorders by becoming narcissistic parents themselves. They perpetuate the problem for the following generation.
Having narcissistic parents as a child
Before the age of 13, if you have narcissistic parents, there is not much you can do to change your situation. Children are at the mercy of the good will of their parents. Their life circumstances are determined by the decisions their parents make for them and their lives. Children do not choose the families they are born into; they just have to suffer them. This is the most unfortunate situation for a child as he/she does not feel loved and valued—particularly by their mothers.
These children feel they’re there at the service of their parents. Children of narcissistic mothers have problems seeing themselves as individuals, developing an identity of their own, as having a narcissistic mother implies that they are born and dedicated to be her subjects. A buffering factor in these cases is the presence of alternative parental figures such as loving caring grandparents or relatives such as aunts, uncles and adoptive parents.
The plight of having a narcissistic mother
The narcissistic mother sees her child as something—or someone—to complete her. She wants a child for her narcissistic completion instead of as a separate human being to develop on her own terms. In this sense, for these narcissistic women, a man in their lives is only a means to have a child all of their own. Because of their personality traits, these women cannot settle down and establish themselves with one man. So, they go through a series of men in their lives that appear as transient “parental” figures to her children. Some of these men, in turn, become sexual perpetrators on her children creating a nasty combination of post traumatic stress in a child of a narcissistic mother.
The narcissistic mother expects the child to be there as an object for her own narcissistic–and even sexual–satisfaction. As Freud taught us, a child is a sexual object. As such, he or she is someone that can be easily used for sensual self-satisfaction by parental figures and others. A child can be controlled and manipulated at will by an adult in the parental role. Guilt and the threat of withdrawal of love are the most powerful tools these narcissistic mothers have to make the child do her bidding in virtually every situation.
This type of mother is not only self-centered, but she can be cold, vain–and/or a big “poor-me” guilt-inducing individual. However, there are many varieties of narcissistic mothers that may seem very different at a superficial level, but deep inside they present the same core psychological element of self-centeredness. Regardless of the type, their main ability is to induce guilt and fear of abandonment in her child.
As not being loved–or being abandoned by a parent in childhood–is tantamount to dying, having a narcissistic mother is a sure path to lack self-worth and lack of self-confidence. The child of the narcissist grows up in constant fear of being abandoned–and of not feeling important as an individual–separate from the needs of his or her mother.
The result of this childhood experience is existential anxiety, people-pleasing, dependent behaviors–and attempts at getting love at all costs by being subservient to their mothers’ wishes. This tendency at being dependent on someone else for love and self-stabilization oftentimes results in the emotional instability and an oscillating self-image of Borderline personality disorders.
There is a subgroup of children who react with the opposite reaction to their mother’s narcissistic stance. In them, identification with the aggressor (with the narcissistic parent) leads them to become uncaring narcissists themselves.
A historical example of growing up with a narcissistic parent
A good historical case in point of this acquisition of narcissistic traits via identification is seen in queen Elizabeth I of England, the daughter of Henry the VIII who separated the church of England from Roman Catholicism (this was the king who married 6 wives, repudiated 2 queens, killing 2 of them when he got tired of them). Henry was an unrepentant self-centered, gluttonous, and lustful, narcissist. His daughter Elizabeth acquired his narcissistic traits that were also present in her mother Ann Boleyn. These traits, however, helped her survive in a ruthless world of men, and come to be the most successful English monarch of her era.
This type of narcissistic child of a narcissist parent’s rationale late on in life is this: If nobody gives a damn for me, why should I care for anyone else but me? I have to provide for myself because nobody else will: And I have to do it at any cost. This identification to narcissistic parents perpetuates the cycle of trans-generational narcissism being passed on from one generation to the next one. This child of a narcissist will then grow up to become a narcissistic parent herself passing down her psychological traits to the next generation. Narcissistic traits can be acquired by identification (modeling) from a child of either sex from both a mother or a father.
There are many outcomes of having a narcissistic mother.
Here I will name a few of the most common ones:
1-The child can become subservient and dependent on the mother
2-The child may develop chronic poor self-esteem
3-The child, as an adult, will have a nagging sense of low self-worth believing that he/she is “never good enough.”
4-The child may grow up with identity problems not knowing who he/she is or what they are about
5-The child may have difficulties positioning himself/herself as a sexual being. These insecurities and doubts may affect his or her core self-identification causing gender identity disorders. At another level, it may affect the direction of the child’s object choice giving place to sexual positions other than heterosexuality.
6-The child may identify with the parent and become a narcissist personality herself. He or she may become vain, self-centered, selfish, jealous, and possessive.
The caricature of this latter type is the character of the Evil Queen in Snow White, who in her vanity cannot stop questioning her magic mirror every morning “who is the Fairest one of All.” In her narcissism, she cannot tolerate that her step-daughter in her youth has now taken her place in the beauty ranking. And therefore–in a bout of narcissistic anger and jealousy–she orders the huntsman to find her and kill her. In her malignant vanity, she has become so callous that she demands he bring Snow white’s heart as proof of her death.
I will continue examining the effect of narcissistic parents on people’s emotional well-being in the upcoming posts. In them, I will describe the effects of the narcissistic father on the family. Later on, give useful tips as to how to proceed if you have to deal with narcissistic parents in your own life.
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I hope to see you in my next post,
Till then,
Dr T