In my previous two articles on the Love and Relationships Series, I have broached the subject of Desire and its Difference with Love. In this article I will examine the Biology of Desire and how our biological makeup interferes with our relational harmony.
In this post, I will examine Desire from a biological standpoint. I will look at the different biologies of the sexes and how they interfere in our love relationships. These different sexual biologies disrupt what could be a harmonious love relationship between men and women. For that reason–and because of the psychological implications of those biological differences–inter-gender relationships have been historically marred by conflict, anger, frustration, and unhappiness.
It is very important to understand that —even though they share many commonalities because of being Human—men and women have very different and specific sexual biologies.
These biological differences have been present for the millions of years of evolution we have been on this planet. They have been finally confirmed by the last 30 years of scientific research. These newer studies on the biology of our sexual lives have come to debunk widespread mistaken and ideological theories posited in the sixties and seventies that disavowed gender differences. These biological differences in the genders play an important role in matters of love and desire. Thus, you need to become aware of them in you want to succeed at the Art of Loving.
Understanding Desire
So, let’s start by defining Desire. Desire is wanting what you do not have. Thus, Desire is spurred by Lack.–by not having something.
A consequence of this definition determines the mental reality that if something or someone is there, he/she is not so much desired as if he/she is not. So, the this means that our Desire is caused by our sense of dissatisfaction. Because of the the way we Desire, we Humans are perpetually dissatisfied beings. This is even more evident in our relational and in our sexual lives.
Desire is always the Desire for something or someone else. Desire is also stimulated by what is flashily attractive, the new, the flamboyant, and the different. Desire is markedly stimulated by vision in men. In Women, vision matters too, to a certain extent, but their gender tends to fall for words.
The dynamics (workings) of desire are the reason why we usually don’t care to watch a movie or read a book twice. Once we have done something, or already experienced something–if we had sex with someone over a long period of time, for example–it has lost its newness. So, the mechanics of desire dictates…. move on to the next, the new and interesting person…..
Desire is the common ground for both men and women—the driving force in the area of love and erotic relationships. At a chemical level, Desire is driven by the brain’s reward system. And its central neurotransmitter is a molecule called DOPAMINE. However, it is very important to realize that Desire and its dynamics play out differently in each gender.
DESIRE IS THE SAME FOR MEN AND WOMEN. DESIRE (SEXUAL PLEASURE AND DRIVE) IS DRIVEN BY THE SAME NEUROTRANSMITTER–DOPAMINE BUT THE WAY IN WHICH THE TWO GENDERS DESIRE IS DIFFERENT.
Desire is unique to humans. In animals all we find is sexual instincts and biological needs. These instincts are hardwired. They lead the animal to have sex in order to reproduce. And therefore, animals are indiscriminate in terms of who they do it with as long as certain biological conditions are given. The sexual prize goes to the strongest and fittest male (the Alfa). For this reason, animals do not need Kama Sutras, sexual manuals, sexual gurus’ advice—or Victoria’s Secret for that matter—in order to get aroused or get it right. They know how to do it and they do it well; and they do not harbor second thoughts after the fact.
Drive Versus Instincts
In Humans, on the other hand, there are no sexual “instincts.” We are not born with a sexual manual written in our genes or in our minds All there is left in us is sexual “drives.” So, we have to learn our sexuality–our sexual roles–through identification, trial and error, and early sexual experiences in childhood and adolescence.
ONE IS BORN MALE OR FEMALE, BUT ONE HAS TO LEARN TO BE A MAN OR A WOMAN.
Drives are all separate areas of bodily pleasure. They are present in childhood and throughout our lives. In the best of situations, they will integrate later on in adult life. But, most of the time this integration of the drives fails. Ideally, this integration would lead to the so called “genital character.” However, psychoanalytical experience in the last century has shown—over and over again—that the ideal of sexual fulfilment seldom if ever occurs in real life. As a result of this fact, people have very unique ways of obtaining sexual pleasure, of relating–and of desiring.
The Biology of Sexuality
The Biology of Sexuality, the Reward System and the Pleasure Center (the Nucleus Accumbens appears in green in the image). The pathway that goes from the ventral tegmental area to stimulate the pleasure center is stimulated by DOPAMINE.
Sexuality has been long considered a “need.” However, it is not like other needs. Definitely, it is not like our need for air, water, or food. Sexuality is one of those human needs that is not compulsory. Nobody ever died for lack of sexual activity. Whereas, you can only last a few days without food, a couple of days without water, and just a couple of minutes without oxygen. But, even when sexual needs are as excruciating as the others, sexual activity is very important for our psychical, relational, and emotional stability.
It is well known that people that are chronically sexually dissatisfied—or that are involved in unhappy long-term relationships—tend to suffer from nervous conditions and psychosomatic disorders. Furthermore, the absence of a good sexual life is a definite factor of disruption, misunderstanding, and conflict in our love relationships.
Another commonality between men and women in the sexual sphere is the fact that the hormone that drives sexuality is the same one for both sexes: Testosterone. Testosterone is the “masculine” hormone (It was first discovered as the main hormone produced by the Testicles, hence its name). It has been found in the last few decades that this is the hormone that stimulates the brain sexual centers—not just in men—but in women.
You always need to keep in mind that there is a great difference in both genders in terms of their libido intensity—the “quantitative” aspect of their sexual drive. Gender differences in terms of the intensity of the sex drive are at least partially explained by the fact that men produce about 20 times the amount of testosterone as women; and their blood levels are about ten times higher. Women’s brains, however, are more sensitive to smaller amounts of this hormone that in them is produced in the adrenals. Keep this information in mind when relating to your significant other.
Remember that not understanding or denying sexual differences is a sure way to head into disaster in your emotional, relational, and sexual life.
As Humans, we have a strong dependence on our bodily existence and functions. So, Libido (sexual drive) in its quantitative aspect (not in its direction, or quality—but in its sheer strength) is to a large extent a biologically-driven process. And this process is different for each gender.
The other aspect of this question to consider here is the fact that the original evolutionary reason for sexuality to exist is Reproduction. That is the reason we have genital organs in the first place. This is a fact that most of us today in the highly sexualized XXI century tend to forget.
Sexuality is the manifestation of the sexual drive that aims at perpetuating our species. It evolved the way it did to ensure that we are not extinguished as a species. But Nature is not “an equal opportunity employer.” Nature has its own ends, and to some extent, we all are, men and women—its puppets. You can get humans out of a cave in modern civilization, but you cannot get the millions of years of “cave” out of humans.
How the biology of reproduction affects our minds
The ongoing production of sperm accumulating in seminal vesicles and the high levels of Testosterone affecting the brain of men cause in them a TONIC (constant) sexual drive in them ("tonic" means a constant and level degree of sex drive).
These biological facts cause a constant push in males that keeps them seeking sexual activity . This reality makes sex and sexuality a centerpiece of a male’s life (whether they are heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual). So, men, not only seek sexual intercourse to obtain pleasure, but there is a certain degree of displeasure—of sexual tension (frustration)—that constantly mounts up when they do not get a sexual discharge through intercourse. When this tension is not properly released, it often derives in irritability and anger.
Females, on the other hand, are born with a fixed number of eggs: about 1 million. By the time girls reach puberty, they have some 300 thousand potential eggs. In a woman’s reproductive years some 400 eggs will be utilized of that number. One per ovulation month on average.
In women sexuality is not TONIC but CYCLICAL.
These cycles are determined by the hormonal menstrual monthly cycle that on average lasts 28 days (plus minus 3 and regulated, interestingly enough, by the lunar month). Besides Testosterone, Estrogen (the more exclusive female hormone) stimulates sexual drive in women.
Estrogen levels vary significantly during the menstrual cycle. As it can be seen in the image above, these levels (in pink) increase in the first two weeks after the initiation of the menstrual bleed. And Estrogen levels peak around week 2 of the 4 weeks cycle. This peak coincides with the time of ovulation (the moment in which there is the highest chances for a woman to get pregnant). This is another reason to get very good and effective birth control methods.
You see there Nature again creating circumstances to perpetuate the species disregarding the fate or the needs of individuals. It increases sexual desire in women at the time that the chances for reproduction are the greatest.
So, while the brain of men in terms of sexuality is “tonic,” the brain and hormones of women is “cyclical” (It goes up and down in cycles). These hormonal facts makes women’s sexual desire change markedly throughout the monthly cycle. And this is the biological reason behind the “enigma” (the Mystery) of femininity. This variability in desire in women is what leads men to complain that they can “never understand women.” The common complaint on the side of women is: “All men think about is That” or “They only wants us for That”.
Even if sex is important in the emotional life of a woman, it certainly does not occupy the same central place it does in the life of men. The desire of women is not just for men or sex. Most women also strongly desire children. This desire for children supports the perpetuation of the species. Women usually desire to be mothers. Most men are just caught up in becoming fathers because sex is so pleasurable for them—but not many of them engage in sex with the ultimate goal of becoming a father. So, there is once again, no parallel there between the sexual psychology of men and the psychology of women.
Of course, none of these biological findings can be over-generalized. There are always many exceptions to every rule. And the only rule that always apply in Psychology (and not even this one) is that “no rule applies 100 percent of the time for everybody.”
Thus, Biology plays a role in our sexual lives and we need to understand it; but certainly, we cannot—and should not—try to explain away human sexual behaviors based exclusively on Biology. Understanding another piece of the sexual puzzle is important–but we should never be simplistic in this field.
Not understanding biological differences between men and women can lead to situations like the one depicted in the cartoon above.
So, in this article, I am speaking in general biological terms, not about the sexual life of a particular individual. I am speaking in terms of quantity of sexual drive, not in terms of the quality and specificity of Human Desire.
Here are some of the consequences of these biological differences in males and females to keep in mind as you go about dealing with your relational problems. They will help you understand the person of the opposite sex you are with. Understanding the other side is the beginning of solving problems like the one pictured above.
- Because of their much higher intensity and the tonic aspect of the biology of their sexuality men are “slaves” of sex.
- This means men are driven to seek sexual encounters (and many will do whatever it takes, including lying, cheating and manipulating women) in order to obtain it.
- Whether you like it or not, sex is a centerpiece in the lives of men from youth to the grave.
- This fact does not mean that men do not love or do not care for love. In fact, men can love in very idealized ways and very deeply. But in men, there is a permanent split between sexual Desire and Love. This split is much less pronounced in women.
- The Formula that best defines men in relationships is therefore: “No Sex, No Love.” This “formula,” of course, should be taken into account only in an established relationship. In this situation, the withholding of sex from his woman is felt by the man as proof that she “does not care” or “does not love him enough” to engage in sexual activity.
- On the side of women, there are definite psychical advantages to the lower sexual tension they experience from their sex drive.
- Women are in much better control of their sexuality than men—so, biologically, women are NOT sexual “slaves.”
- In the sexual arena, women call the shots. They have the key to the sexual situation. They are the ones who ultimate have the last word: The Yes, go or No go.
- The cyclicity of the woman period establishes ups and downs of their sexual desire, but not a permanent constant effect experienced psychologically as sexual tension that presses for discharge in intercourse.
- Keep in mind that in women there are no reproductive cells constantly being produced and accumulating. They are not sending stimulating messages to the central nervous system centers to look for sexual activity and discharge.
- The fact that there is only one tenth of the amount of Testosterone affecting women’s brains allows them a much higher degree of sexual freedom that can be utilized for their advantage in inter-gender relationships.
- When it comes to relating to men, the Formula in relationships for women reads: “No Love, No Sex”.
- This “formula” is not to be taken as etched in stone. And, as it is widely known, in the last few decades, women have tended to imitate men in their sexual freedom and have learned to separate sexuality from love. But, biologically—and at an unconscious level—these elements are always present in the background of a woman’s mind: Does he care enough about me? Does he love me for real or is he in it “just for sex”?
Summarizing this situation, the scientific evidence supports the notion that there are significant biological differences between the sexes. This reality of difference interferes with the possibility of harmony in the sexual field and in the love and relationships arena.
In my next post, I will continue looking deeper into Love and Desire—and their snuggles—and how they play out in your relationships. In future posts, I will make more specific suggestions to improve your relationships based on the understanding of sexual differences and on the power of Love,
As always, your comments and questions are welcome,
See you in my next post,
Dr T