The First Five Steps to Improve your Self-Esteem
This article is the first on a series on how to develop and improve your self-esteem. In this post, I will provide you with the first five steps that you need to take that will get you moving in the direction of learning to love yourself.
Self-esteem, a definition
Self-esteem, as the word clearly states it, means “the esteem we have for our own selves.” Another word for self-esteem is “self-love.” Both these concepts are composed of two words: “Self” and “Love.” This is the case because these two words describe a relationship between the Self and the Ego.
I would add that when we love ourselves, we also like ourselves. We like what we are and who we are. On the other hand, when we have low self-esteem or dislike ourselves, we despise what and who we are. We are deeply dissatisfied with our own selves. So self-esteem is a state of self-satisfaction.
Self-esteem versus selfishness
However, “self-love” is not often used in everyday speech. This is the case because it is confused with “Selfishness,” a word that has deep negative connotations (the term used currently to describe “selfishness” is “narcissism”). Well, “selfishness,” even though it may appear otherwise, is not part of a healthy self-esteem. “Selfishness” means wanting good things exclusively for ourselves in detriment of others. It is a “Me first” coupled with the “I Me Mine” attitude. This is the narcissistic stance of the “I could care less about you and your wellbeing.” Paradoxically, people can be selfish and lack a healthy self-esteem.
Self-love is an attitude of “I love myself and care about me, but I also love and care about you.” I want good things for me and for you too. It is a “win-win” type of attitude towards your fellow human beings.
The historic and religious source of this confusion
Part of this confusion between “self-love” and “selfishness” comes from the way churches interpreted Jesus’s message through the ages. This confusion boils down to the misinterpretation of his commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” In Christianity, this commandment is only second to the “love God above all other things.”
Unfortunately, the way this commandment has been taught through generations has put the emphasis almost exclusively on the first line, forfeiting the second one altogether. This confusion eventually led to a traditional Christian morality based on the dictum “everything for the Other.” In practical terms, this meant an exclusive exaltation of self-sacrifice at the expense of self-love as the ultimate Christian virtue. But this self-sacrificial stance, when excessive, leads to moral masochism. This self-sacrificial form of masochism was historically evidenced in the mistreatment of bodies “to purge sin”–and in the middle ages–it expressed itself in actual (physical and mental) self-flagellation.
What does the Christian commandment really mean from a psychological standpoint?
The commandment clearly states that we should love our neighbor “as ourselves.”
This can only mean two things:
1- We cannot really love ourselves, i.e., have a healthy self-esteem, unless we also love others
2-We cannot love others if we do not love ourselves first; otherwise, the love we give is worthless.
The implications of this reading of the commandment are profound. It implies that We are to be included in that love. If Jesus would have meant it otherwise, he would have said so. The commandment would have read instead: “Love your neighbor, and despise yourself.” Obviously, he did not intend this version of the commandment. It is only because of the way his followers interpreted his message that created this distortion in the direction of “everything for the Other” and nothing for the self.
The steps to take to move in the direction of self-love
1-So, step number one, you must get rid of the idea that loving yourself is tantamount to being self-centered, egotistical, or selfish. This means shedding guilt for loving yourself and treating yourself well. Loving yourself is just extending the attitude of love–no just to everyone else–but also to your own Self. “Charity should start at home” in this regard. Remember: You count too.
A possible definition of Love
Love has many definitions. It is such a broad word, that nobody can define it completely; and I will not make that attempt here. I will just use my own practical definition of “Love” because most people, deep inside, understand what love is. It is so because they feel it, even if they may define it differently. In my view, Love is an attitude of wanting good things to happen to the other person. And the same principle applies to self-love.
2-Step number two means we wish good things for ourselves.
In this stance, you consider yourself worthy of receiving good things in your life: You are worthy of love. The other element present in love that accompanies a sense of worthiness is care. When we love, we care for the loved one and this applies to our self-esteem as well. When we love ourselves, we care for ourselves. Therefore, we take good care of ourselves—we take care of our bodies, our minds, and our spiritual lives.
Love includes respect for the other person. Likewise, self-esteem requires an attitude of self-respect. In the past, this stance was known as personal “dignity.” When we have personal “dignity,” we believe we are deserving of good things and we expect them. We are convinced we have inherent value for the mere fact of existing. And we know that we can contribute to society our special skills and talents.
3-Step three, when we love, we practice acceptance of what is.
This means accepting others as they are–and at the same time–accepting ourselves for what and who we are. When we practice love, we are for Life and we understand that Life is defined by growth. The loving person considers all life as “Sacred.” Cherishing and promoting Life and growth are top values for him or her on their road to a healthy self-esteem. When we really love then, we want the loved one to be who he/she is and to live a full life.
Because we want their growth, we want to help the ones we love develop their potential and become all they can become. This principle also applies to our love for ourselves: In Self-love we aim at our Self-actualization. When we love ourselves, we are “biophilic,” we love and enjoy life. We respect our own life. For this reason, we do harm ourselves, intoxicate ourselves, mistreat our bodies, and/or destroy it by trying to kill ourselves.
When we love, we protect our lives as much as the lives of all others–including the unborn and the rest of all living beings. And we respect our own desires and necessities to develop and grow without guilt. As a result of this loving stance, we allow ourselves to become all we must become: We actualize our potentialities in the process of living.
4-Step four, when you love, you have patience and tolerance for others as much as for yourself.
This means learning to be patient with yourselves, with your inadequacies and inhibitions. It means you recognize that you are not perfect—but nobody is. However, you aspire a better version of yourself. You can always work towards a higher Ideal of who you want to be without trashing who you are in the present moment.
5-Step five, when we practice self-love, we love our bodies and accept them entirely.
We cannot wait until we reach our ideal (body or weight) to love ourselves. This is commonly seen in people when they complain about what they see reflected in the mirror. They dislike something in their body images or in their weight; and they hate themselves for these perceived imperfections. They say to themselves things like: “when I lose those 30 extra pounds then I will be able to like myself.” However, the reality is that if you do not like yourself the way you are now, it is unlikely that you will like yourself when you lose your extra weight. Remember that ultimately you are Not that image reflected in the mirror. You are “That” who “witnesses” the image in the mirror.
Summary on the principles of self-esteem building
The most important point to take home is this: Self-esteem must stem from the Self. If it depends on other people’s approval, then it is not “Self-esteem” but “Other-esteem.” And, by definition, self-esteem cannot come from outside the Self. It must come from inside—from your own Self. Against all odds–only you can decide that you are valuable.
Even though we all love approval and applause–we all want to be liked and desired by others—we cannot make our love for our selves contingent on what other people think of us.
Self-esteem means you realize your own uniqueness. In this process, you remind yourself of the fact that you are “a one-time experiment in the history of humankind.” There has never been another You like you before–nor there will ever be another after you have left this planet.
Even if superficially, it may appear to not be the case, You have a unique reason to be here. Life is meaningful and you are a part of that transcendent Meaning that involves all of humanity. Your task in life is to find your unique meaning and make it come true. Nothing will do more to enhance your self-esteem than that.
So, put to good use your talents in the service of your own development and in the benefit of others. Love yourself unconditionally and share that love with others. If you do not do it, you will become a problem for others. And above all, avoid trying to be somebody else. You will always be second best someone else, but you will always be a first rate You.
If you liked it or benefited from the content of this article let others know by giving it a “like it.” As always, don’t hesitate to ask a question or leave a comment. If you are interested in mental health matters, you can sign up for this blog for free. Become a member of this community of readers for free. Enter your email address below after pressing “like.” You can learn more about me and my practice by clicking here www.drtpsychiatry.com
I wish you the best in your quest for self-love and hope to see you in my next post,
Till then,
Dr T