The origins of social anxiety and why you feel so shy
In my previous post I broached the subject of extreme shyness and social anxiety. In this one, I will look into the psychological, temperamental, and environmental causes of social anxiety. It is really strange–and most people never stop to think about it–that one of the things people fear the most is other people.
Understanding phobias
Social Anxiety Disorder was previously known as “Social Phobia,” or an excessive fear of people. In psychiatry we speak of “phobias” as: “excessive and unfounded fears to things/people/ animals/objects–and situations–that are not dangerous to us, yet we fear them with an inappropriate intensity.”
For example, let’s take for consideration the phobia of mice. A mouse is a strong phobic object for a lot of people. This is the case, even though as an animal, a mouse is virtually harmless for humans. People that are phobic of mice perceive them as intolerably dangerous and disgusting. But, if you ask them for the rationale for their intense fear, phobic individuals cannot come up with a rational explanation. They will only be able to tell you that they “just dread them,” that they are “disgusting animals,” and that they are “terrified” in their presence. But there is no correlation between a logical threat and the degree of panic they experience.
So, a phobia is an unreasonable and excessive fear that causes intense avoidance. If the phobic person cannot avoid the phobic object, she may develop a panic attack.
Social anxiety disorder was previously called “social phobia.” The reason for calling it a “Phobia” is that the fear is markedly in excess of what would be expected in terms of any realistic danger of the interaction with the other person. The other aspect of phobias is that they lead to severe avoidance of the phobic object or situation. If the phobic person is forced to confront the phobic object, they do it reluctantly–and at the expense of intense discomfort–expressed in the form of severe anxiety or panic.
What the socially anxious experience inside
In the case of social anxiety what is feared is not people in themselves but their negative judgment. So–unlike a paranoid individual who fears that others are “out to get them”–the socially anxious fear that the Other is “out to find fault with them.” So, they dread the other person’s criticism, ridicule, scrutiny, and teasing. They project onto the other person a critic or a harasser. In severe cases, the Other is seen as a potentially abusive prankster, someone who will get off on making them appear ridiculous or ashamed.
Ultimately, the socially anxious dread the faux pas. He/she feels lonely but cannot come out of their cocoons. They are terrified of the error in their speech; the mind going blank; the not knowing what to say next. These people feel awkward in most social interactions, particularly in groups. They are ill at ease in their own skin. As a result of this fear of making a mistake that will embarrass them in front of others, they become excessively self-conscious and self-critical. They berate themselves ahead of time or see themselves as “less than others.” They have experiences of inadequacy and self-effacement. These people often suffer from what was traditionally known as “an inferiority complex.”
At the bottom of these social anxiety feelings–experienced subjectively as extreme shyness and embarrassment–they feel very low on themselves. Socially anxious people often complain of deep feelings of worthlessness and self-dejection.
Why social anxiety is much more crippling than other phobias
In the case of the phobia of mice, the avoidance only happens if a mouse is suspected in the house or if it is actually seen. Other than in these circumstances, the person who suffers from a simple phobia of mice leads a normal life (the exception would be if she needs to get a job at a pet shop in which she needs to handle mice). In that situation, her phobia of mice would become a problem, i.e., a symptom.
This would be a situation in which an individual would probably either quit her job at the pet store or consult with a psychiatrist to address her phobia. Her phobia has now become “symptomatic” as it gets in the way of her functioning and makes her suffer. It then becomes apparent to her and others when before it might have remained unnoticed.
A phobia is always EGO dystonic (something feeling that bothers one’s EGO and that is felt as alien and uncontrollable). While “a personality disorder” such as Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD) is EGO syntonic (it is something assumed by the person as part of their personality and not fought against).
Why social phobia is more crippling than other phobias
The problem with suffering from a phobia of people (social anxiety disorder) is that you cannot escape contact with other human beings to survive. We are social creatures. We need each other to survive.
We need others as support, as lovers, as companions, as co-workers and as friends. Having a phobia of people is therefore much more limiting than having a phobia of mice, which is limited in scope. For this reason, social anxiety disorder–and its close diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder–-are highly disabling. These are socially disabling conditions that markedly impair social functioning. These conditions interfere with a person’s life and activities. And they get in the way of the person succeeding in a career, in keeping a good job, and in getting job promotions. Social anxiety interferes with succeeding in an institutional system, in finding a significant other, and even in marrying and having children.
Why do we fear other people so much?
There are studies that show that children are born with sensitive temperaments. There is evidence that people are born with different biological make ups (temperaments) that make them more prone to becoming socially anxious later on in life. But social anxiety disorder is not just caused by temperamental traits, but it is the product of a combination of nature and nurture. Social anxiety is the result of having a shy temperament exposed to a highly critical, shaming, environment.
Most people have a natural degree of social anxiety which is considered normal. Only psychopaths, antisocials, narcissists, histrionics, borderlines--or extreme extroverts–lack feelings of shame and guilt.
Social anxiety begins in the family
As social beings we all grow up in a family. In childhood, we are highly dependent on our parents for survival. Thus, we are hardwired to please others. If we fail to please our parental figures in infancy we may die. In our efforts to please, we also want to be desired and loved. That, however, not always happens; not all of us are so lucky as to get the attention or the love we crave.
We all want to be loved for who we are in spite of our shortcomings. We all want unconditional love. But this is something many children seldom, if ever, experience in today’s world. Millions of children today are the byproduct of mere chance and they are not loved enough or they are loved only conditionally.
Shame as the central emotion in social anxiety disorder
The other factor involved in social anxiety is the presence of a uniquely human emotion: Shame.
Humans are the only living thing we know that experiences this emotion. Thus, we are the only animal that blushes or needs to. Facial blushing being the main physical manifestation of this emotion. Animals experience fear, avoidance, stress, anger–and you may even say, a little bit of guilt. This is evident in the case of household pets like dogs that know when you are mad because they have made a mess. But you will never see a dog being ashamed or a gorilla or chimpanzee blushing, for that matter. They can be doing “number one” and “number two” in front of you, and experience no shame whatsoever.
Keep in mind that we are the only animals who cover our bodies, but particularly our genital areas, from the sight of others. Moreover, animals do not wear clothes; but we do, and we make a big deal of it. And we do it even in situations in which it would make more sense not to wear them, such as when people live in very hot tropical areas. We do it out of shame. Naturally, in socially acceptable parlance, this is not called “shame” but “modesty.”
How do parents socialize a child?
Shaming or guilt-tripping a child is a good way of making him/her toe the line. These are educational tools used by parental figures and educators to make kids do as they are supposed to socially. If you pay attention to children, you will see that–up to the age of three–they feel no shame. In fact, infants and toddlers may walk around the house naked–and even show themselves to you unabashedly–in an exhibitionistic way.
Shame as an outcrop of infantile sexuality
The other source of shame is connected with our early infantile sexual lives. These early urges must also be repressed by parental figures in order for the child to become socialized. The best case in point of this repression is childhood masturbation and sexual play.
Children, as Freud showed us 120 years ago, are sexual beings. Although most people–even today–do not like the idea of acknowledging this reality. Again, punishment, threats–and shaming–are the strategies used to get children to give up these socially disapproved practices.
Finally, critical attitudes from parental figures–and excessive control in the form of severe scrutiny–are strong factors in the later development of social anxiety in children that already display an inhibited temperament.
Social anxiety as a result of social training
As a child gets older, the parents’ attitudes toward society will determine their children’s. It is commonly seen that socially-anxious children have socially-anxious parents–particularly socially anxious mothers. These are mothers that tend to stay away from socializing outside their nuclear families and that often over-protect their children.
Children, in general, develop their personalities by identification (modelling after) their parental figures. They tend to “copycat” what their parents do. If parents are socially-anxious, it will be only normal for them to be socially anxious as well. So, shy children are the result of shy parents and over-protection coupled with the lack of acquisition and practice of social skills.
The families traits of the socially–anxious
Families of socially anxious people tend to be more “endogamic” (they relate predominantly within the family group). And thus, they have little interaction with the outside “exogamic” (outside the family) world. For this reason, these families seldom participate in social functions.
These avoidant and socially-anxious families tend to not attend church, they avoid becoming members of a club, participating in organizations, or attending social functions outside of those of their own nuclear family and closest relatives.
These parents tend to be full of shame, fear of outsiders, tend to show distrust of others–and they fear ridicule and criticism. All of these avoidant traits denote low self-esteem in the parents that is then passed down to their children.
The lack of social skills
In these situations, children do not learn social skills at home and then feel inadequate to interact with other children in school. They are anxious there and cry a lot when left in school in kindergarten. They behave in awkward ways; and they are ostracized and/or made fun of by their classmates.
Shy children feel anxious, scared, and uncomfortable in those social situations. And, as a result, they skip school, complain of feeling sick often, and avoid social functions outside of their immediate family. Not infrequently, these children develop separation anxiety disorders or school phobia in childhood.
Shyness, social anxiety, and bullying
To make matters worse for them, introverts are the object of bullying and they are called names, such as “nerds,” “oddballs,” “bookworms,” and the like. This is even worse if they have some out of the ordinary physical feature such as being markedly overweight. Suffering the devastating psychological effects of name-calling and Ego bashing, aggravates their self-consciousness, shyness, and social withdrawal. Sensitive children suffer in life much more than the average person. This does not have to be this way.
This perpetuates the vicious cycle of social anxiety, avoidance, high levels of rejection sensitivity, low self-esteem–and feelings of inadequacy. These emotions, in turn, cause lack of self-confidence in social situations. They lead to loss of social skills and avoidance of social situations in the future.
A few tips that will help in your detection and prevention of social anxiety in yourself and your children
- Keep an eye on your children for signs of social anxiety.
- If a child of yours is socially-anxious temperamentally, encourage him/her to participate in social activities even if they are uncomfortable
- Gently push your children out of their comfort zones. Social anxiety predisposes people later on to depression and alcoholism in life.
- If you allow them to skip school, their sports, slumber parties, or other forms of social celebrations–or if you decide to homeschool them to save them trouble–think twice.
- School is not just a place to learn how to read and write or how to make simple calculations.
- School is the introduction to life in society.
- Having to attend school in person is one of the best ways of learning social skills.
- Avoid overprotecting your children. Teach them self-reliance from early on in their lives. Help them develop a good sense of self-esteem.
- Keep your own fears in check. Avoid worrying obsessively over their safety and well-being.
- Check yourself for your own social anxiety. If you find yourself avoiding most social interactions outside of your nuclear family, you may be suffering from social anxiety disorder yourself.
- Getting treatment of your own social anxiety is the best way to prevent it in your children.
- Contact a psychologist, therapist, counselor–or psychiatrist–to get help with this very treatable condition
- Remember that untreated social anxiety is a strong factor for social isolation, loneliness, and lack of success in every area of a person’s life.
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And have a peaceful holiday season and a prosperous 2021
Dr. T