The problem of the paradox of human desire
The “Other Woman” exerts a powerful effect of attraction over both men and woman. But this power is rarely if ever analyzed or understood. People just take this phenomenon as a fact of life, as a given. Yet, there are dynamics that we can examine in this regard. This examination will help you understand why She exerts such a powerful magnetism on both men and women.
In my exploration of man-woman relationship, I have emphasized “the enigma of Desire” as the center piece that regulates interpersonal relationships. Human “Desire” is a very difficult concept to understand. It is important to realize that it is different from a want or a mere biological need. Desire is exclusively human. It is unconscious; and it is therefore outside of our immediate conscience. However, from its hidden place, it has an enormous effect on how we relate to one another in our love lives.
The dynamics of Desire plays out differently for men and women–and this is where “the Other Woman” enters the play. Thus, it is important to know these differences to decrease suffering in your emotional and relational life. And this disparity in the way desire operates in each sex is the source of all our headaches and heartaches in our love relationships.
Desire is strange, paradoxical, and idiosyncratic–outright weird. Desire is “an enigma” because it is mysterious. It arises when we least expect it. It is never where we want it to be: it is elusive so to speak. In this post, I will focus on how desire works in women and men in regards to the third-party player known as “the Other Woman.”
Why you need to know this
First, I will examine the problem of Desire from the female side of the equation. This knowledge will help you understand yourself (if you are a woman) and others better if you are not. If you happen to be a man, this knowledge may help you understand “the Other sex” a little bit better. This information may also help you get the incomprehensible aspects of your significant others’ behaviors. You will also understand better the strange behavior of your friends, sisters, and competitors.
The “Other Woman” is the best example of the part that “the third-party” plays in your relationships. Since Desire is transpersonal, it always requires a certain degree of triangulation to be turned on.
The Dynamics of Desire
- We desire what others desire; and we desire it because They desire it.
- The fact that the person is popular (desired by many) is the main element in their power of attraction.
- Women in particular tend to desire what “the Other Woman” desires. For this reason, the man’s popularity among women (the womanizer’s effect) makes him so much more attractive.
- This phenomenon occurs because people in general—but women in particular–desire by identifying with those individuals they deeply admire.
So, if you are a woman–and you are “enamored” with a friend of yours–then it is likely that she will become “The Other Woman” for you. This does not necessarily mean that she will snatch your boyfriend away (although at times that does happen, so you better keep an eye open), but it rather means that whomever She finds attractive, you will find attractive also.
This is the imitative aspect of desire. This is a strange psychological phenomenon that remains unconscious for most people. But “the Other Woman” for a female acts like the compass for her desire—it gives her North so to speak.
An example of the power of the Other Woman
If you meet a guy, for example, and you find him OK–but you do not feel particularly attracted to him–it is enough that one (or more of your friends) finds him “interesting” for him to change in your estimation. All of the sudden–and without you even realizing it, desire arises in you for him. Not the least of reasons for this irruption of desire in you is the competitive striving that is set up in your unconscious in these triangular circumstances.
Men and women are competitive by nature; but they compete in different forms and in different areas. In the case of women, they tend to be very competitive in the erotic arena. This tendency often leads to situations of jealousy and envy of other attractive women. This is driven by an unconscious admiration for them. So, if you are a woman, and another woman is jealous or envies you, take it as a compliment: deep inside she admires you.
A clinical example
An example of this is this situation in clinical practice goes like this: A patient tells me: “I don’t find him that interesting, in fact I even get bored around him, unless my girlfriend joins us in an outing.” “When she is around, all of sudden I realize how interested I am in him.
A historical example of “the Other Woman” is seen in the Prince Charles and Princess Diana saga and the role the Camilla Bowles played in their lives.
How the Other Woman plays her part on the side of men
On the side of men, women are divided between those that elicit tender feelings in them (the ones they fall in love with), and those that turn them on sexually (the ones they become infatuated with). This psychological split determines a paradoxical dynamic in men’s Desire and Love lives.
This unconscious psychological phenomenon was described by Freud in his article The Most Prevalent Form of Degradation in Erotic Life. This represents what he called “the Man-Mother complex, or the ‘Maddonna Complex’” present in men. In this complex, the condition for sexual arousal in these men is the devaluation of the woman. This is so because for these men, the woman as “object” is the most remote representation from the Woman “as Mother.” So, in these circumstances, the sexually attractive woman is a “devaluated” woman outside of the official relationship they are engaged in.
Can we ever overcome this split?
These instances mentioned here represent extremes of these polarities in men’s sexual desires and love lives. Some men are able to attain a degree of integration of the two currents: The tender and the sexual one. They tend to what classical psychoanalysis dubbed “The Genital Character.” But this integration—even in the best of cases—IS NEVER COMPLETE. There is always a leftover of this split in the sexual lives of men. Thus, the ever-present allure of the Other Woman.
This love-sex split determines that—to some extent—DESIRE always falls outside of the relationship between a man and his woman, between a man and his wife. And, as a reverse consequence, “Romantic Love” always requires a certain degree of sexual abstinence to develop.
How does “the Other Woman” play as adversary?
While women have problems situating their desire on their own terms unless they get aid from “the Other Woman;” they also suffer the devastating effects of the Other Woman in the desire of their men. This “triangular dynamics” determines that they are often in competition with Her–whether she exists in reality or just in their fantasy.
As stated above, the desire of men tends to be split and to fall outside of the established relationship; it is centrifugal. In this context “the Other Woman” becomes the object of the Desire of men, as she is “Other” than the woman in front of him. The “Other Woman” is represented in the minds of men by the Lover, the mistress, and/or the prostitute. So, She is “Other” in terms that she is radically different. In his mind, She is sensual and forbidden, which is the opposite of what he finds in his marital relationship.
The Other Woman and the Mechanics of Desire
This mechanics of Desire in men creates “the effect of ‘the Other Woman’” on both men and women. The “Other Woman” for a man can be defined as “that coveted ‘object of desire’” that exists beyond the established “Kosher” marital relationship.”
It is important to understand this psychological phenomenon because this split of the man’s Desire causes the frequent situations of infidelity in relationships. This is also the source of the great appeal the “forbidden Love Affair” has on men. The “love affair” is oftentimes the result of the lure of the man’s mistress’s sex-appeal. Also, this magnetism stems from the fact that Desire is always “Desire of what is not allowed:” The allure of the forbidden fruit. And the Other Woman represents that “forbidden fruit.“
But, the woman who in real life incarnates the role of the “Other Woman,” to her own chagrin, will not be able to engage the man in question into a stable long-term love relationship. Paradoxically, She is also limited in her powers. She will only have him illicitly and sexually as long as he remains with his wife; but that is about it.
What to watch in film about this subject
A good movie to watch that exemplifies this problem in relationships that I recommend you to watch is Woody Allen’s “Match Point.” In this excellent depiction of this desires’ conundrum, while the man’s tender love lies with his wife and his established family, his “wilder” sensual desires are placed with the mistress that reside outside the official established relationship. Sometimes, these triangular situations end in tragedy for the players as you will see.
In upcoming posts, I will continue examining desire in relationships. I will go further into the role of the Other Woman as the catalyzer of desire both on the side of men (as the forbidden object of desire) and for women (as the admired object of desire to emulate). So, stay tuned.
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And have a safe and peaceful holiday season
Dr T