In this article, the first in a series on the subject of Narcissism and Narcissists, I will define narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I will then proceed to explain some of the traits of this widespread psychological condition. Then you will be able to understand where they are coming from and determine a course of action when dealing with them.
The Origin of the Word
“Narcissism” is a concept originally developed by Sigmund Freud in 1914 in his paper “On Narcissism: An Introduction.” In this seminal paper, Freud used the ancient Greek myth of Narcissus to describe the importance of the EGO in human psychology. He used this ancient story to describe an attitude of mind in which libido (sexual energy) is not placed on an object (another person), but is rather invested on the individual’s own Ego (the Individual’s self-image).
The historical use of the term narcissism describes an individual who displays excessive vanity and self-centeredness. In the past, this type was regarded as someone who was unemphatic, prideful, and arrogant. But this type was not regarded as a psychiatric condition yet.
The Myth of Narcissus
Here is a short version of the myth of Narcissus. The legend goes that Narcissus was an excessively beautiful hunter young man, born of a nymph. He was so beautiful that both men and women, nymph and goddesses alike, could not help but fall in love with him. But as a rule, Narcissus did not correspond their love. Narcissus was disdainful of those unlucky enough to fall for him. Instead, Narcissus centered exclusively on the magnificence of his own Ego.
After catching a glimpse of his own image on the surface of a lake, Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection. In this rapture of “narcissistic madness,” Narcissus failed to realize that the image he saw reflected on the water was himself. Yet, he deluded himself by thinking he had found “the love of his life” living in the lake.
Narcissus was so taken with his own image that he jumped in the water to embrace “his loved one” that was himself. As a result of this action, he drowned (died of grief, drowned, or committed suicide, according to the different versions of the myth). Ultimately, Narcissus was punished by the gods for his excessive egomania, his self-centeredness, and his inability to love others.
Narcissism in psychiatry
In psychiatry, a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is someone who has a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or in behavior), needs excessive admiration, and lacks empathy in his relationship to others. These traits are accompanied by the following psychological features that may all be present or not:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Believes that he/she is “special” and unique and that can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special high-status people (or institutions).
- Requires excessive admiration.
- Has a sense of entitlement (an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his/her expectations).
- Is exploitative of others (takes advantage of other people to achieve his/her own ends).
- Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him/her.
- Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Narcissism in the DSM 5
At least five of these traits are required by the DSM 5 (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, edited by the American Psychiatric Association) to make the diagnosis of NPD.
The truth of the matter is that in reality most narcissists do not meet the full criteria for the disorder, but they exhibit only some of these traits. But they are nevertheless narcissistic types.
Telling Narcissistic personality apart from other mental disorders
In clinical practice, this personality disorder is often confused with someone who is using drugs (stimulants); someone who suffers from Asperger’s disorder (a mild form of Autism); or someone who suffers from bipolar disorder. In Bipolar Disorder, however, this confusion with NPD occurs exclusively during times of “hypomania” (mild mania).
“Mania” is the emotional state opposite that of depression. It occurs in the manic phase of bipolar disorder. “Hypomania” is non-psychotic mania (not severe enough for the subject to experience hallucinations or delusions or be hospitalized). “Hypomania” is defined as an abnormally expansive mood mixed with inflated self-esteem, self-assertion, and self-confidence. It is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, and not by personality problems.
On occasion, a person may suffer from both conditions—or even three of them at the same time. Someone can be narcissistic and bipolar, or narcissistic and use stimulants. These latter situations make diagnosis and treatment virtually impossible as people with NPD usually lack insight into their condition.
The problem of dealing with a narcissist
Keep in mind that narcissists never consult for their narcissism. This is the result of the fact that they do not consider those personality traits a problem–but they rather treasure them and adamantly defend them. If they ever see a psychiatrist or therapist is in order to get some other symptom treated such as depression, anxiety, insomnia and the like. As a result, it is extremely difficult to deal with narcissists both in real life as in clinical practice
The use of the word “narcissist” in popular language
In recent years, the word “narcissistic” has become a buzzword in magazines, in online blogs, and in social media. In those settings, the label “narcissist” is often used by aggrieved women to describe men that behave as “jerks” in relational matters. So, any “jerk” who has wronged a woman may be called “a narcissist” today, whether he meets criteria for the disorder or not.
In this sense, “narcissist” is no longer a clinically useful word, but it has become a pejorative term (a put down). “Narcissists” are often used to speak of someone (usually a male) who either mistreats women in some form or does not correspond to their love.
This popular tendency to overuse the word “narcissist” in the XXI century is an abuse of the term and it really does not coincide with the psychiatric notion of NPD. But its widespread use goes to show that narcissistic traits have markedly increased in frequency in American society in the last twenty years.
The rise of narcissism in American society in the last two decades
This rise in narcissistic traits in many individuals parallels the advent of the “narcissistic society” in the 1970s. This is the result of a postmodern American society based on the “I, me, mine” dictum started by the baby boomers in the late 1960s and has continued unabated until the present. This self-centered attitude has only grown more frequent with every decade that past since the late sixties. To the point that we even have a president with those personality traits in 2020.
Gender issues and narcissism
Even though NPD is slightly more common in males, it is by no means, absent in females. There are plenty of narcissistic females out there; they are just not identified as such. Part of the reason for this difference in gender frequency resides in the fact that narcissistic traits are socially accepted in females as displays of “femininity,” while they are condemned in males as attitudes that are considered not “manly.”
The best case in point of this situation is seen in males that are obsessed with their looks: “Metro” guys who are excessively vain. We often find them exhibiting themselves in social media apps such as Instagram. These men are often regarded with derision by other men and by many women.
At the same time, a significant degree of self-centered narcissism is considered “normal” in women and it is not condemned as a sign of being “narcissistic.” These gender differences, and the social judgment differences attached to them, determine that NPD be diagnosed much more frequently in males than in females.
Narcissism in animals: a human parallel
Another way of thinking of narcissism is to compare it with the attitude of animals. Cats are usually depicted as “narcissistic.” They come across as “self-contained” as they do not leap at you pining for love or acceptance as dogs do. Not for nothing, in popular culture, women have been called “cats,” and men “dogs.” Cats are centripetal in their libido, while dogs are centrifugal.
Dogs are usually friendly, “needy,” and not “self-contained” as cats (this is often equated to the attitudes of men always looking after and wanting sex from women). Dogs need love and the presence of their master to survive and they can’t fend off by themselves.
The domestic cat, on the other hand, is a solitary creature that does what he/she pleases. From this perspective, a cat is “a narcissist.” These animals come and go independently of you; and they usually approach you when they need something—but they can behave in ungrateful ways if the situation calls for it.
While dogs are pack animals and live-in close-knit groups, cats are individualists. Dogs associate to others in the pack and they seek recognition and love from the leader: The Alfa. In that regard, the pack is much closer to human society than anything we see in cats. This is so as we humans share some of the herd instincts of pack animals.
By nature, we humans are social animals subject to a pecking order. But, in humans there are many exceptions to this rule, as we are not governed by instincts like they are.
The narcissist and his need for “a public”
While most people are social and need others—they need to love and be loved—the narcissists do well on their own not needing anyone except for meeting their own needs. And the biggest need in a narcissist’s life is Admiration.
The narcissist needs a public to admire him and praise him. Without the public to applaud, the narcissist is nothing. However, narcissists do not to reciprocate (they lack empathy) unless it is convenient for them. So, they can feign reciprocity when the situation benefits them–but their reciprocity is not deep or genuine.
Narcissists do not believe in equality; and certainly not in reciprocity. There is no “tit for tat” for them. With the narcissist is a one-way street: you admire Him and He belittles you, that’s it.
The feelings of entitlement in narcissists
The narcissists feel entitled to special treatment as they see themselves as superior. They think of themselves as more beautiful, more intelligent, and more powerful than all others. These feelings of superiority are a central aspect of their grandiose ideation. The extreme narcissist then becomes a full-blown megalomaniac. The best historical example of this latter type was Adolf Hitler.
So, in everyday life narcissists behave as Kings or Queens or as dictators: they believe the world owes them something. They think that it is “a given” that they should be considered superior and “as natural leaders.” This is so even when there may not be any objective qualities in them to harbor their excessive expectations.
For the narcissist, the entire world turns around him. He looks at circumstances and others in so far as they are instruments to meet his own needs. He cannot see others as different people with desires of their own, minds of their own, and opinions of their own. This is particularly true of the attitude of the male narcissist in regards to women.
The narcissists’ angered rage
The minute they are contradicted, or their aspirations thwarted, the narcissists get intensely defensive, angry, and feel aggravated, offended or insulted. This trait may make them look like Bipolars.
If someone points out to them any deficiency in their narcissistic completude, they lash out at you. And they can be merciless when angry. They cannot tolerate defeat, so they will do anything to win. If they lose, they are never fair play losers. This is in part the result of having a “sensitive” Ego. They take things personally, feel easily offended, and get on the defensive using massive denial as projection of guilt as their main psychological defenses.
The narcissist perennial need to compete
Narcissists are always—consciously or unconsciously—comparing themselves with others. They thrive at the good old boys’ game of “who has it longer.” This excessively competitive—and rivalist–mental attitude leads to frequent feelings of envy. And this envy can only be managed by maintaining a feeling of superiority over others. From the narcissist perspective, then, the only way to feel better about themselves in any interaction with another human being, is to make the other person feel smaller, inferior, or wrong.
In upcoming post, I will examine the plight of those who have to live with a narcissist and will offer suggestions as to how to handle this most difficult of situations. Keep tuned.
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I hope to see you again in my next post,
Dr T